Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets PARODY
by Mystery1
Summary: The movie had it coming...it was very good. But oh so parodyable. Read and enjoy!


HARRY POTTER PARODY:

Haha. Well I actually did enjoy the movie. But as I was watching it, I found it just SO parody-able! I just wrote this in about an hour, so it's probably not my best. But read and enjoy it anyway : )

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Intro:

The Dursleys House. Sometime in the summer. The summer is going pretty crappy for one boy. One particular boy, one…MAGICAL boy!

AUDIENCE: Yawns

Okay…it's HARRY POTTER! And the Unnecessarily Long Title of THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!

HARRY: Hello! I'm Harry Potter. The last time you saw me I was an adorable little boy whose voice was changing rapidly! It's settled down now, and I've been booted out of the choir, but here I am to take you along on my next adventure!

PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE: Start to cry.

HARRY IS TREATED LIKE CRAP BY HIS "FAMILY." BOTH DUDLEY AND VERNON LOOK AS IF THEY HAVE GONE ON THE MARLON BRANDO DIET. 

PETUNIA LOOKS AS IF SHE'S TAKEN THE ALLY MCBEAL ROUTE

PETUNIA: Does my spinal cord look fat?

VERNON: I am going to have some people over for dinner tonight. It will help me close a big important deal. Everything will go according to plan. 

AUDIENCE: Pshhh, You're one of the antagonists in a kid's book you moron! You verbally, and emotionally abuse the hero!

VERNON: I am not at all concerned.

HARRY GOES TO HIS ROOM. HE SEES AN ELF WHO LOOKS LIKE A BURN VICTIM ON HIS BED. 

HARRY: Oh, hello. I had no idea whatsoever that you'd be here. 

DOBBY: You can't go back to Hogwarts.

HARRY: Oh. Why not?

DOBBY: They'll kill you.

HARRY: Nothing I can't handle.

DOBBY: They'll maim you beyond all recognition.

HARRY: I'm not really THAT cute to begin with.

DOBBY: They'll make you watch Glitter on perma play.

HARRY: *gasp* NO!

DOBBY: You see they ARE evil.

HARRY: Oh God yes! But who's they?

DOBBY FREAKS OUT AND GOES MASOCHISTIC

DOBBY: I can't tell you that.

HARRY: Well I don't care what you say. I'm going back anyway. 

DOBBY: You don't have friends. You don't get mail therefore you are a loser.

HARRY: Well I-HEY! Have you been blocking my mail, you evil little skin graft recipient?

DOBBY: Nooooo! 

HARRY: I can see the letters in your hand.

DOBBY: Oh. Well in that case, yes.

HARRY:Gimme!

DOBBY RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN. THERE IS A CAKE SITTING ON THE TABLE.

HARRY: Dobby! Don't do it! For God's sake don't!

DOBBY: I gotta. I could just break your legs to stop you from going, but I think this is the easier way for both of us.

HARRY: I know I could easily just _lie_ and _tell_ him I'm not going. But, no! I am Harry Potter, and I am good and honest, and oh so adorable. 

AUDIENCE: Pukes

DOBBY: Too late!

DOBBY KNOCKS OVER THE CAKE AND DISAPPEARS. BY THIS POINT HARRY COULD HAVE EASILY RUN UP THE STAIRS. BUT NOOOO! HE WAS A BIG DOPE AND STAYED PUT.

VERNON: It's time to die now.

WE SEE VARIOUS SHOTS OF VERNON NAILING HARRY'S DOOR SHUT. HARRY SEEMS UNCONCERNED…again.

SUDDENLY A HUGE ASS FLYING CAR PULLS UP TO HARRY'S WINDOW.

HARRY: Well this is not at all unusual. 

BARRY WHITE-I mean RON: Hiya Harry. Come for a ride in our smooth riding pimp mobile.

HARRY: Okay.

SO HARRY PACKS HIS THINGS AND LEAVES.

RON: Harry we're gonna take you to our crib, where we can chill, and groove ALL night long.

HARRY: Stop TALKING like that!

AT THE BURROW:

RON: This is our crib-er home. Sorry it's such a dump.

MRS. WEASLEY: You're in trouble. Not you Harry. You're too adorable for that.

HARRY: *beams*

THEY SIT DOWN TO EAT, ALL PUNISHMENTS FORGOTTEN.

GINNY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.

HARRY: Hello, young girl. Allow me to charm you with my geeky adorability.

GINNY: Runs away.

RON: She's obsessed with you. She saw you for like a mili-second last year and she hasn't stopped talking about you since. Real popular one, my sister.

MR WEASLEY COMES HOME.

MR WEASLEY: Get out of my chair.

HARRY MOVES.

Mr. WEASLEY: Who the hell are you?

HARRY: Why, I'm Harry Potter, sir! Boy hero, and savior of the wizard world!

MR WEASLEY: No shit.

THE FAMILY DECIDES TO TRAVEL BY FLOO POWDER

MRS. WEASLEY: This is very dangerous. You could end up in any number of places around the world, in any number of pieces. Ron you go first.

RON: Righto!

RON LEAVES.

MRS WEASLEY: Harry you next.

HARRY: Alrighty. I'm too much of a moron to say Diagon Alley correctly. Whoops there I go!

HARRY IS DUMPED IN THE FREAKY DEAKY KNOCKTURN ALLEY. A WEIRD OLD WOMAN ATTEMPTS TO ACCOST HIM. BUT HAGRID SPOTS HIM AND SAVES THE DAY.

HAGRID: Hi Harry.

HARRY: What were you doing in there?

HAGRID: *Unnecessarily long pause* Can't tell you that.

HARRY RUNS INTO HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: Why hello Harry. Fancy meeting you here. I assume you're here to take the audience on a world saving adventure once again. I on the other hand am here to over act and stretch my face excessively.

HARRY: Sounds good.

THEY GO OFF TO A BOOKSTORE TO FIND THE WEASLEYS.

HARRY: You weren't looking for me?

MRS WEASLEY: I wasn't too concerned, despite what I said before. You have no parents, who's gonna know.

HARRY: Right…

SUDDENLY WE MEET PROFFESSOR LOCKHART.

AUDIENCE: I thought he was supposed to be good looking? Hugh Grantish good looking? 

PROFFESSOR LOCKHART: Shut up. I'm just as you pictured me. 

AUDIENCE: Shrugs.

LOCKHART: Hello Harry! I can easily pick you out of a crowd, despite the fact that I've never met you before, and that your scar is covered by your hair. Come, take pictures with me, and bask in the glory of my *nonexistent* smile 

HARRY: Erm…

THE WEASLEY CHILDREN START TO LEAVE THE SHOP BUT ARE STOPPED BY…

DRACO MALFOY WHO HAS GROWN ABOUT FOUR FEET, AND LUCIUS MALFOY WHO LOOKS LIKE "TRANSVESTITE BARBIE."

LUCIUS: Poor people. Now I must scoff at you. 

DRACO: Potter has no parents. Weasley is poor. Hermione overacts. Come Father, let us point and laugh.

LUCIUS AND DRACO: *Point and laugh*

MR WEASLEY: Hello kiddies what are you-Lucius!

LUCIUS: *giggles and flutters his eyelashes* Arthur baby!

MR. WEASLEY: Um…

LUCIUS "SLIPS" A BOOK INTO GINNY'S BAG. THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE'LL SEE IT FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS SO TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

LUCIUS: *Flips his hair* Buh bye.

THE NEXT DAY AT THE TRAIN STATION

EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THE BARRIER. RON AND HARRY ARE LEFT

THEY RACE TOWARD THE BARRIER AND FALL OVER

HARRY: Hmm. It appears to have solidified.

RON: Well this is inconvenient. We should go wait by the car, for my mom and dad. 

HARRY: Better yet! We could fly the car! Sure people would probably see this. And sure I'm wondering how it is that we have keys. And I'm sure Hogwarts would accept an excuse and help us out if they knew the circumstances. But hey. We're 13 and we're adorable.

RON: Mmkay.

RON AND HARRY (Yeah I said Ron AND Harry. OooOOOOoooh) ARE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR IN THE BIG ASS FLYING CAR

HARRY: I guess they thought this bit was too boring in the book. So of course Chris Columbus decided placing us adorable children in immediate danger would spice things up a bit.

HARRY AND RON ARRIVE AT SCHOOL AND GET THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF THEM…BY A TREE.

RON SCREAMS IN A VERY ANNOYING MANNER. HIS WAND GETS BROKEN.

BACK UP AT THE CASTLE:

SNAPE IS GIVING THE BOYS A TALKING TO,

SNAPE: I'm nasty, and like to bitch at students. I don't bathe much, and I smell like cheese.

AUDIENCE: Wash your hair!

PROFFESSOR MCGONAGALL: I'm not going to suspend you. That would ruin the movie. Even though you ARE technically guilty of underage driving, damage to school property and reckless behavior, not to mention grand theft auto.

DUMBLEDORE: I've forgotten about it already.

THE NEXT DAY AT BREAKFAST

RON RECEIVES A HOWLER

THE HOWLER: Ron, you've been bad. Shame on you. Harry, you adorable thing you, you're in no trouble whatsoever. 

HARRY: *smiles*

THAT DAY IN CLASS

LOCKHART: I was supposed to have the girls in this movie adore me, and stare at me lovingly during class. Of course, I was also supposed to be a hottie.

HERMIONE: *Deadpan* Oh your good looks. I can hardly stand it. Your very presence moves me.

LOCKHART RELEASES SOME PIXIES AND MAKES AN ASS OF HIMSELF.

THAT NIGHT AT DETENTION

LOCKHART BABBLES ON ABOUT CRAP, AND HARRY TRIES TO HANG HIMSELF

HARRY: You know what would make this situation…actually this movie better? Sweet death.

SUDDENLY HARRY HEARS FREAKY DEAKY VOICES

FREAKY DEAKY VOICES: KILL! MAIM! DECAPITATE!

HARRY: *Hums to himself*

FREAKY DEAKY VOICES: GLITTER!

HARRY: NO, GOD NO!

LOCKHART: *Sniffles* You don't like my hair either do you?

ON THE WAY OUT OF DETENTION HARRY FOLLOWS THE FREAKY DEAKY VOICES. THEY LEAD HIM TO…

RON: Hiya Harry! 

HERMIONE: Harry Dahhhhlling.

HARRY: Do you hear voices too?

RON AND HERMIONE: *Stare blankly* Umm.

THEY ALL CONTINUE ON THEIR WAY AND COME ACROSS…MRS NORRIS HANGING FROM HER TAIL. 

HERMIONE: Hey look. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware. Nifty crispies.

SUDDENLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON THE ENTIRE SCHOOL APPEARS

DRACO: ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE!

THE REST OF THE SCHOOL: *Ignores him*

DRACO: You'd think that would put some more suspicion on me. But no.

FILCH: Despite the fact that Draco basically just declared himself evil, I come to the conclusion that Harry killed my cat. He must die now.

DUMBLEDORE: Your cats not dead.

FILCH: Oh. Well in that case, I'll go clean up the blood on the wall, that no one seems concerned about.

DUMBLEDORE: See ya.

THE NEXT DAY AT A QUIDDITCH GAME

WOOD: Damn I'm sexy.

THEY PLAY FOR A WHILE. THE REALLY BAD CGI EFFECTS KICK IN. A ROGUE BLUDGER TRIES TO KILL EVERYONE. THE STAFF ARE NOT CONCERNED.

HARRY AND DRACO CHASE THE SNITCH. THEY GO OFF THE PITCH AND INTO THE STANDS.

HARRY: Wait a minute…aren't we out of bounds? Is there even a boundary here? If not then why is there a pitch? Why can't we just play in the field?

DRACO: Pshh. Silly Gryffindor! There are no boundaries obviously, when you're as adorable as we are.

HARRY BREAKS HIS ARM. LOCKHART MAKES AN ASS OUT OF HIMSELF AGAIN BY TRYING TO FIX IT. HE ACCIDENTALLY MAKES HARRY'S BONES DISAPPEAR.

LOCKHART: Whoops. Off to the professionals you go.

IN THE MEDICAL WARD:

MADAM POMFREY: This will be painful. 

HARRY CONSULTS WITH CHRIS COLUMBUS.

HARRY: Um…yeah painful isn't in my acting range. Sorry.

CHRIS COLUMBUS: No problem, we'll just cut to the Dobby confrontation.

CUT TO THE DOBBY CONFRENTATION:

DOBBY: Hello.

HARRY: Oh hi. Well I haven't been killed yet.

DOBBY: That's why I'm here. You will be killed very soon by…ARGH!

DOBBY TRIES TO MAIM HIMSELF

HARRY: Who!?

DOBBY: I can't tell you that.

SUDDENLY THE STAFF BRING IN COLIN CREEVEY WHO HAS BEEN PETRIFIED

MCGONAGALL: Hmm? What's in the school that can petrify people? You'd think since we've lived here so long Hagrid would tell us something, rather than a bunch of pre pubescent kids who've been here for a year, wouldn't you?

EVERYONE ELSE: *Ignores her*

DUMBLEDORE: I have no idea. Meh. Jenga anyone?

HARRY TELLS HERMIONE AND RON WHAT HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY IN THE GIRLS LAVATORY

HERMIONE: I know! We can make a polyjuice potion, that will allow us to talk to Malfoy personally! We could just tell Dumbedore our suspicions, seeing as he knows everything that's going on here anyway. But this is more dramatic.

RON AND HARRY: Alrighty.

MOANING MYRTLE: I died here. Yup. Right here in this very bathroom. Doesn't that strike you guys as odd?

RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE: Nope.

A MONTH LATER THE POLYJUICE POTION IS READY. RON AND HARRY GO AND HAVE A MEANINGLESS CONVERSATION WITH DRACO.

DRACO: I'm not the heir.

HARRY AND RON: Aw crap.

HERMIONE IS TURNED INTO A CAT. THE STAFF IS UNCONCERNED

SOMETIME LATER AT A DUELLING CLUB

SNAPE KICKS LOCKHARTS ASS. THIS MAKES MOST PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE OVER 10 VERY HAPPY

ALAN RICKMAN FANATICS IN THE CROWD: Yeah! It's the bad guy from Die Hard!

ALAN RICKMAN: But…I've been in so many other movies! The Winter Guest, Sense and Sensibility, Black Harbor!

ALAN RICKMAN FANATICS: Hans Gruber !!!

ALAN RICKMAN: *Sighs*

DRACO AND HARRY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. THE PROFFESSORS DON'T MIND.

SNAPE: That's it get your aggressions out boys!

DRACO MAKES A BIG SNAKE. IT FREAKS EVERYONE OUT.

HARRY SPEAKS HIS FREAKY DEAKY PARSELTONGUE AND STOPS THE SNAKE. HE BECOMES THE NEW SIDESHOW FREAK AT HOGWARTS.

RON: You can talk to snakes.

HARRY: Yes. I never mentioned this before?

HERMIONE: Well no.

HARRY: Oops. My bad.

AFTER QUIDDITCH A FEW DAYS LATER HERMIONE GETS PETRIFIED

RON AND THE PETRIFIED HERMIONE HAVE A SUGARY GOOEY MOMENT

THE AUDIENCE: *Is horrified*

MCGONAGALL: She had a mirror with her.

RON: *Sniffle* That's our Hermione. Ever the vain one.

HARRY: Um?

AUDIENCE: *Cheers* HURRAH! An end to overacting!

HARRY AND RON GO TO THE LAVATORY. MYRTLE IS CRYING. 

MYRTLE: Someone threw a book at me.

RON: *Points and laughs*

HARRY: I'm going to take this book. It's blank but it intrigues me, with it's plain leather cover and what not.

THAT NIGHT HARRY WRITES IN THE BOOK. 

HARRY: _Writing. My name is Harry Potter._

AUDIENCE: Awww. Harry's starting a diary!

TOM RIDDLE: _Writing: Hi. I'm Tom Riddle. Wanna come into the future and see a bunch of freaky deaky other worldly shit?_

HARRY: Sure.

THEY GO AND SEE A BUNCH OF BAD TECHNICOLOR FLASHBACKS. WE FIND OUT HAGRID HAS THE MONSTER WHO KILLED A GIRL, HIDDEN IN A CUPBOARD. HAGRID OPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

HARRY: Wow. I never would have figured that out on my own.

THAT NIGHT THE BOYS GO TO VISIT HAGRID

HARRY: Hagrid Hermione's petrified.

HAGRID: Well that sucks doesn't it?

SOME PEOPLE COME TO HAGRIDS HUT. LUCIUS MALFOY IS WITH THEM.

LUCIUS: Haggy baby!

HAGRID: Uggh.

LUCIUS: You've got to go to prison now. 

HAGRID: What about the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing?

LUCIUS: Meh. 

HAGRID: FOLLOW THE SPIDERS! They won't eat you…well probably not. And if they do I don't think the parents in the crowd will object.

PARENTS IN THE CROWD: Amen.

HARRY AND RON GO VISIT SOME SPIDERS. MOST OF THE AUDIENCE ARE PISSING THEIR PANTS AT THIS POINT. SMALL CHILDREN ARE SCARRED BEYOND REPAIR.

SPIDER: It wasn't Hagrid. Time to die now.

HARRY: I thought you were scared of spiders?

RON: Oh yes, I am. Ah. Beware the spiders. 

CHRIS COLUMBUS: *Curls up in a ball and cries*

MIRACLE OF MIRACLES THE ADORABLE BOYS ESCAPE

BACK AT THE CASTLE MCGONAGALL IS TALKING TO DUMBLEDORE.

MCGONAGALL: Ginny Weasley's been taken. We'll have to close the school. But hey, lets not notify her parents.

DUMBDORE: Fine by me. 

RON: Ginny! Where the hell has she been for the last two and half hours?

HARRY: Well I know where she hasn't been. She most certainly hasn't mysteriously disappeared because she is involved in some way to the whole opening of the Chamber of Secrets thing.

HARRY: Hey wasn't Moaning Myrtle killed in the bathroom up there? Isn't that weird? Do you think she could possibly be the only recorded death at Hogwarts?

AUDIENCE: *Bash their heads on their armrests.*

HARRY AND RON: Well. We've found out how to get into the Chamber of Secrets. God forbid we should tell the teachers.

LOCKHART GOES WITH THEM INTO THE CHAMBER.

LOCKHART: Gimme your wands.

HARRY AND RON: No.

LOCKHART: C'moooon! Gimmeee!

RON KNOCKS OUT LOCKHART. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

A HUGE ROCK BARRIER HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED.

HARRY: Well I'll have to go on by myself. I'm sure there's some way I could move the rocks using magic and all. But I can't do that. Cos I'm Harry Potter.

HARRY GOES INTO THE TUNNEL. GINNY IS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR.

HARRY: Ginny! I haven't seen you all year! Don't be dead.

TOM RIDDLE: She's not dead yet. Of course. You found her just in time! Yay for you.

HARRY: TOM RIDDLE! What are you doing here?

TOM RIDDLE: To make a long story short I'm Lord Voldemort.

HARRY: Naaah.

TOM RIDDLE: No look! The letters of my name rearranged spell out I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!

HARRY: What's your middle name?

TOM RIDDLE: Marvolo.

HARRY: May I ask who in the hell is named Marvolo? Isn't that kind of convenient for an evil overlord?

A BIG BATTLE ENSUES WHICH SUCCESSFULLY SOILS THE PANTS OF ALL CHILDREN WHO HAVE NOT PEED THEMSELVES ALLREADY.

HARRY ENDS EVERYTHING BY STABBING THE JOURNAL.

TOM RIDDLE: Well I should have seen that coming.

AMAZINGLY HARRY ESCAPES UNHARMED. HE AND RON MEET UP JOYOUSLY, AND NO FURTHER MENTION IS MADE OF GINNY.

RON: HARRY! Your alive! I'm not at all concerned about my only sister.

HERMIONE APPEARS.

AUDIENCE: *Groans* No! Overactress returns!

HERMIONE: You like me! You really like me!

SHE RACES TO HUG HARRY. SHE SHARES A "MOMENT" WITH RON. 

CHRIS COLUMBUS: I SO understand foreshadowing.

AUDIENCE: *Shudders*

AT THE END OF YEAR FEAST EVERYONE IS HAPPY AGAIN.

HAGRID COMES BACK AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON EVERYONE BEGINS TO APPLAUD.

HARRY: Well another adventure completed! But don't worry everyone! There's another five to go!

PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE: *Run away screaming*

HARRY: *Shrugs* Anyway goodbye from all of us here at Warner Bros. Big smiles!!

CHRIS COlUMBUS: *Rolls in big-ass pile of money* Yeah baby!

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You can review if you've gotta mind to. : )


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